attention Shoppers, the time is now 8:45 pm and ____ will be closing in 15 minutes. please bring your purhcases to the front of the store at this time. ____ will re-open tomorrow for your shopping convenience at 9 am, and thank you for shopping at ____.



dear Valued Customer,

get the fuck out of my store. it's 8:59 pm and i want to go home. i don't want to spend the next 10 minutes helping you pick out mat colors for your kid's fingerpainting that you're not even going to buy tonight 'cause you want to "comparison shop some more".

or,

it's 8:59 am and what the fuck are you doing here, waiting for the doors to open at this craft and hobby mecca??? have you no life? do you not sleep? i don't want to help you!

rescue me from this retail hell!!